Friday, 30 September 2011

Distant Time

Waiting to die!
No tears to cry!
No energy to care!
A life so bare!

A distant time!
A smile so fine!
That was before!
All no more!

 ©Invisible Shadows 2011

Written when I was just plain exhausted from trying; from trying to get up in the mornings to go to work...from trying to go to work to pay for my horse...from trying to get the energy to see my horse! I was shattered from the overwhelming battles in the morning to not run my car off the road on the way to work! From struggling with IBS due to all the anxieties, and stress! From trying to hide all that I was feeling from those near me, so they would never know my vile secret! (And they still don't! I do not have the strength or courage to tell)...It's a short poem, as that was all the energy I had to form the words!


To sleep a night without you there,
Would fill my dreams with hope so rare.
Without those eyes watching me,
My dreams would feel ever so free.

My restless nights full of taint,

Lets me know, I am no saint.
Those hands, those eyes, your vileness,
Has made me dirty and such a mess.

A dreamless night would be such bliss,
As you are something I would not miss.
That darkness that you always bring,
Has come to feel like a wedding ring.

My life you stole, belongs to you,

My hopes and dreams, you have those too.
But one day soon, I will find strength,
And you will get my vengeance.

So I lay my head for a sleepless night,

Ready for another fight.
This inner war that is going on,
I hope won't last for very long.

Will I win or will I die?

Will I fall or will I fly?
The battle for my soul begun,
Too late now to turn and run. 

©Invisible Shadows 2011

It was one of those nights where sleep doesn't come, and when it does, it's filled with short nightmares, waking up every few hours!

Thursday, 29 September 2011

One Flowers Life

There lay a flower on the floor
Every petal looked so pure.
Beauty shone from every leaf
Until along came a vile thief.

He plucked each petal with a smirk

Then stamped them down in the dirt.
He cut the leaves which provided life
With something worst than a knife.

The strong deep roots in the ground
Shrivelled up, with no water found.
The flower died all alone
All those seeds, never to be grown.

So many flowers all around
No one missed the one on the ground.
The dirty, sad forgotten flower
Got washed away by the shower. 

 ©Invisible Shadows 2011

When I say 'pure' I didn't mean in virginity sense, as I wasn't a virgin when it happened. But it did take away any 'good' of me, because it made me dirty and tainted, something that is too vile to touch, that no one would want to hold...the dead/dieing flowers don't get picked to go in a vase, they don't get's the beautiful, colourful, 'pure' flowers which are chosen and loved.

Water is can't survive without trust, as you can't love without trust. I don't trust anyone with my body or truth or feelings...and so with no trust, and no love I am 'wilting', I am withdrawing from life...just a shadow in the background.

All the seeds never to be grown...that's all my dreams and hopes of a future, of a career. And also I know I'll never have kids as I know I'll never be able to have a relationship!

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Gentle Hands

I look down at these hands and see,
What has finally become of me.
These hands have been through everything,
Have felt much more than words can sing.

These tiny hands hold on so strong,
To those hands that made them belong.
Tiny hands so full of trust,
That in years to come, turns to dust.

In teenage years these hands held pride,
Those hopes and dreams glowing inside.
These hands held laughter, friendship and joy,
Who'd have thought it could be destroyed.

These gentle hands which could not hurt,
Were left bleeding alone in the dirt.
They felt the entrance of the shame,
The hope and joy has turned to pain.

These hands await a better day,
Wanting hope, trust and dreams to stay.
But aged become these callous hands,
With wrinkles like waves in the sand.

Arthritic hands with no strength,
To hold another for any length.
Scarred hands which cannot trust no more,
Alone and dirty, forever sore.

My hands are dirty,
And cannot be cleaned.
My hands are empty,
Because of this fiend! 

©Invisible Shadows 2011 

This is one of my favourite poems...whenever people ask "what's your favourite feature?" some people say "my hair", "my bum", "my legs"....mine favourite feature is my hands...I have very small hands, no bigger than a childs, they are slender, and the fingers are too long, and they aren't stubby...considering they are used a lot, they are still quite soft...and so when I was really depressed, sat on my bedroom floor, just within my own head trying to escape the 'world', I was sat cross legged looking down at my hands...and that's how this poem came about.... 

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Tuesday, 20 September 2011


That sound you hear
Whispering by in the night,
Are all the fond memories
I once held so tight.

I've released them all,
Fluttering into the starless sky
To be forgotten forever more
My hopes and dreams away they fly.

Perhaps one day they will return
To come floating back without causing pain.
But for now those memories are no more,
So I can deal with this shame.

My memories are dulled
By a foul haze,
And until that clears
They cannot stay.

So gentle night,
Look after my stars.
Let them shine a bright
My hope and dreams have gone so very far.

©Invisible Shadows 2011

I was annoyed at what I've become, and all those once fond and happy memories, were now causing me so much pain. I hate that I will never be that person again...that person is gone, and I just wanted to forget that there ever was a better life, that I ever was happy, as it made all these feelings, all these nightmares, so much worst...knowing what I had lost!

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Lonely Road

I drew this a few days before my Flexible Sigmoidoscopy...I felt so alone, so scared, all the while knowing the procedure was going to bring back memories of the rape. I couldn't bring myself to tell my CPN I had been raped and was struggling with the idea of the procedure (she still doesn't know about what happened at uni), and I couldn't bring myself to tell the actual medical staff carrying out the procedure. I have only felt that alone and scared once before, and going through that again was terrifying.

Oddly, I have not drawn horses since...

(I've written this in March 2012, but this is put in date drawing was drawn)...