Shadows

I am chased by a shadow,
Such darkness deep inside.
It follows me wherever I go,
There is nowhere I can hide.

Slowly my soul it consumes
Tearing me limb from limb,
Blood is pouring from my wounds
The darkness begins to win.

My eyes are but a shadow
Of what they used to be,
Glazed over from the torturous pain
The shame is all they see.

My mouth spews only vileness
Hate, despair and lies.
The truth hidden beneath a mask
No one sees the disguise,

My body's just a vessel
Filled with shame and rage.
The shadows taken over,
My soul is in a cage.

My thoughts begin to vanish,
I see the end in sight.
A foul darkened gale
Blows out my final light.

What you see is not alive
It is dead from deep within.
Rotting and treacherous from the core,
A body full of sin.

©Invisible Shadows 2011

This was written after a very vivid nightmare...I call them 'awake nightmares' (where you think you are awake but actually are still dreaming:

...I was in dark toilet block similar to the ones in 1st year halls...people and ghosts were in there, stood, waiting....this huge fat one (no one familiar) came and said 'when I died I cursed you' she went through my body, and I felt the change. I was vile, I was cursed...walked out toilet door, all went blurry, I was in so much pain, then I 'woke up', (when I wake from nightmares I sit up in panic and turn lamp on - it's a touch one, you touch anywhere on it and it comes on, very good for when had nightmare, don't need to fumble for switch.)...I sat up in panic and touched lamp, over and over, it didn't come on! Could feel something in room, jumped out of bed turned main light on, wouldn't come on! Opened door, and could see light on landing was on...'woke up' in bed again. Darkness! Touched lamp in panic again. Nothing! Opened door! Darkness! Started smacking my head to wake up! Shadow walked past door! Woke up in bed again. Lamp worked!! 

No escaping from the shadow, it chases me during the day, and in my dreams.

God Is Just A Man

(Note: I have intentionally written God as god, to emphasise his personification as an ordinary 'man')

I saw god at a table, sorting through some seeds;
I asked him what he was doing and why there was a need.
He told me he was sorting, the good ones from the bad;
He didn't look so Godly, he just looked very sad.

A small pile looked so empty, in his open hand;
I watched him gently plant them, in his Holy Land.
He nourished them with his love
With water from the heavens above

He went back to his pile, reaching to the sky;
I saw my seed hidden within, and I began to cry.
These seeds were so empty, with nothing inside to grow;
He told me mine was vile, sinful, had no glow.

I watched the seeds full of life, grow into such beautiful flowers;
The seeds god threw were brown and weak, and with no love they wilted and cowered.
God chose the dreams which deserved to shine,
But that seed and life was never to be mine.

He goes back to his seeds, sorting one by one;
Tired, sad and lonely, his job is never done.
God is just a Man, sitting at his desk;
We are just his files, he's sorting through the mess.

©Invisible Shadows 2011

Darkness Swallowed My Soul

In the night, so alone
The darkness surrounds me,
Chills me to the bone.
I can feel his eyes
His breath on my neck
The fear inside begins to rise.

Screaming for help my voice is swallowed
The black vileness fills my mouth deep inside
I cannot run, I cannot hide, wherever I go, I am followed.
Darkness surrounds my soul
No love, no trust, no hope, no dreams
Forever alone, I've payed the toll.

Mistakes I've made are there to haunt
The failure, the shame, it's all my fault.
An old life remembered just to taunt.
What could have been? What should have been?
All too late now!
That girl you knew is never to be seen! 

©Invisible Shadows 2011

Was struggling a lot with wanting to harm myself, and ended up putting so much focus into writing poems and drawing, to try and get the thoughts out, to get some relief...A lot of my poems have darkness and shadows as the theme....perhaps in time, they will be focused around light, and beauty.

Stolen

The rain is pounding down on me,
With furious gales, unable to see.
I cannot cry, I cannot weep
You cannot see the shame so deep.

The snow ice cold freezes me,
My heart so numb, my mind empty.
I cannot touch, I cannot feel
You cannot see the me that's real.

The silent wind smothering me,
Steals my dreams so quietly.
I cannot hope, I cannot laugh
You cannot see the future I had.

The waves are crashing over me,
Filling my lungs I cannot breathe.
I cannot speak, I cannot scream
You cannot hear the hurt within.

The rain, the snow, the wind, the waves,
Takes away the peaceful days.
My body is sore, bloody and scarred
Trust and love has become so hard.

My heart is empty, rotting away.
The dreams are gone, the nightmares to stay.
A future stolen, my hopes moved on
This isn't suicide, when my soul's already gone.

©Invisible Shadows 2011

This is all about what the emotions I feel and what I have become, and yet no one can see the change, they cannot see the disguise, the shadow. I felt dead inside. I didn't see the thoughts as 'suicidal' as how could it be, when I was already dead! It was soon my birthday, and whilst everyone was making a big deal of turning 25, I felt I had died at 20. There was no fight in me, just desperation to make all the pain stop!

Sweet Relief

The world is passing right on by,
Speeding past infront of your eyes.
Years seem like days, hours seem like seconds.
Brown hair fades to grey, age cannot be hidden.
I see my life flying past,
No way to slow it, it's much too fast.

In my mind the images are slow,
His face, his hands, his eyes won't go.
Seconds seem like hours, days seem like years,
Forever rolling down my face, are these disgraceful tears.
My life is disappearing but the pain still remains,
It's ever such a wonder, I haven't gone insane.

The clock ticking by my bed
Tells me how long till I'm dead.
3 minutes until my final breath
I see my life happy, clear and so fresh.
2 minutes till my heart stops beating,
I see the shame, the guilt, my life retreating.
1 minute till my brain stops thinking
I see a future! My hopes, my dreams they are a twinkling.

The vile blood pumping through my veins,
Pours from this body, my guilt written in the stains.
My hands were warm and full of trust,
Are now so cold, forever empty. Dust to dust.
In death there is much relief,
To know my mind has found such peace.

 ©Invisible Shadows 2011

Quite often I get the feeling that life is flying by...that it's too late to have a good life, too late to go to college, get a career...that I'm too old...that by the time I have overcome the fears of the past, it's too late...and so I get this feeling of standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else live their lives, be happy...I watch my life fly by....and yet there is this strange sense of it going so slow...that the past, the memories, all the fear and anxiety, that is all being played in slow motion...it's like I'm watching the same film on 2 tvs...one is being fast forwarded, and the other is in slow motion....and so this was just a mixture of these two feelings. I am always so aware of time, and days wasted...a life wasted!

Gentle Hands

Drawn soon after I wrote the poem! Drawing and poetry is my release of all the urges, all the bad thoughts...red is a very calming colour for me right now.