Friday, 18 November 2011

Trapped Within These Walls

Running and crying I fumble in the dark,
The walls crushing in, no escape from the pain.
The nightmares, the terror, the shame in this room
Alone, forever, with these memories and scars.

Hiding, fighting, the fear so sickening.
Locked inside my head, I am not here.
I am there! Weeping, shaking; Silence!
No noise, it echoes! Eyes laughing!

Trapped! Hope vanishes from my grasp
Fingers stretch to reach the end, the relief.
Slipping from my reach, my soul is lost.
No dreams, no peace, no love, no joy.

There is nothing left!
No fight remains
Just memories! The stark shadows have won!

©Invisible Shadows 2011

I wrote this just before I attempted to take my life again. I was receiving counselling, to try and get me to a point where I could make going to college a reality, but the past became too real. It was like I was back every awake thought was filled with memories, and my every dream was filled with nightmares...when I awoke, I was at uni, I was back there, for an instant! Everything closed in on me...was overwhelming...claustrophobic...and so I saw one way out...the only way to make it stop!

Monday, 14 November 2011

The Window

I gaze out the window and see the beauty beyond
The blood sunset sky, the black mountains stretch so long.
I spot in the distance, the shapes of rocks and trees,
In the night they are safe, the detail no one sees.
The night is full of wonder; Safe, free and alone
In the wild isolation, I begin to make my home.

Here comes the new dawn; the sun begins to rise
The rocks and trees unmasked; gone is the disguise.
Gone is the beauty, the freedom and the comfort,
Looking at the trees, dieing bleeding and hurt.
Daylight shines down on the truth so vile
It can only be hidden for a while.

In the blinding, scorching sunlight
I see their faces; Fond memories to which I have no right,
Gone forever are their voices and their laughter
Gone forever are their hopes and dreams, a life happy ever after.
One life still goes on; dirty and full of shame
Wading through the swamp, deserving of this pain.

No more ever afters
No more hopes and dreams
No more smiles and laughter
No more trust to be seen

Guilt is my future
Shame is my past
Vile is my present
The hate is all I have.

©Invisible Shadows 2011

Heard song which reminded me of my dead uni mate, and it got me thinking more about my 2 mates that died...part of it is about their death and also my own... I miss them so can you miss someone so much if they've been dead for a long time?

It's almost 5 years...5 years since I died!

Both my friends died at 21years...with about 2 years between the dates...but it's always messed with my head...21 is meant to be an age of hopes of the future to come, but fun as still young enough to not be weighed down by responsibilities...and that was snatched away from them...

Dave and Steph, I will always remember your smiles, your laughter, the dreams you had. I will remember fun times we will forever remain will always be young, hopeful, beautiful and happy...your memory still lives on through all those people you touched. 

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Darkness Swallowed My Soul

Again...drawn after the poem (Darkness Swallowed My Soul)...My road is dark and lonely. I am sore, tired and empty...I have a small glimmer of hope that when I get to the top of the hill, I will see a 'light'...but I know that in reality, it's a steep, rocky path back down, to find my way in darkness...only to be followed by yet another steep hill! Maybe the sun will rise over the next hill...but I know it won't...