5 things that make me laugh & Keep me going
|Smartie soon discovered the hay on|
the other side of the wall! Winter
weight loss plan sabotaged...onto Plan B!
- My best mate that I have known since we were 11...no matter how much time has passed since we last saw eachother, we talk and laugh as though it was yesterday. No matter how many 100's of miles between us, we always seem to be going through the same thing. In the ups and the downs, I always have a friend I can depend on (even if she doesn't know the reason for the downs), and she can depend on me. She is the one person I am not afraid to show this 'new' me. Many many fond childhood memories which we still reminise about...she is the one school friend I still have things in common with....she is the one person that still manages to connect me to my oldself.
- My horse. He has bags of character. Likes to stick his tongue out at passers by (very rude!), has a cheeky (but not malitious) streak in him. Every morning I go to see him, he does something that makes me smile...whether it is cantering and bucking up the field when I turn him loose, or carrying his lead rope in his mouth like a dog would! He is my light in this darkness.
- My nephew! He is an absolute star!! Born 10 weeks early weighed 3.5lb, he has had a rough start. He had meningitis at 3 weeks old, and stopped breathing at about 12 weeks old...but he is now 10 months old, and you would never have thought his life has been filled with so much! He looks a bit younger due to his size, but he has bundles of energy, is very sociable, outgoing and intelligent, and EXTREMELY cute!!! He loves to bounce! It has been tempting to buy him a tigger outfit as it would suit him perfectly. He only lives across the road from me, but everytime I see him he changes! He grows bigger, he does new things! Just yesterday my sister showed me his latest trick; clapping! But his favourite and most cheeky thing he loves to do...blow raspberrys! The giggles that come out of him are contageous! I may be biased, but I think he is the cutest baby I've ever seen!
- Funnily enough....work! As hard as it is some mornings to get out, to face the world, to be around people! As exhausting as it is to be around people for so long....I love to work...I love to keep busy (it's break time I find the hardest...when finally stop...that's when I get anxious)....once I'm there I enjoy it (it's not a career, I just work on checkouts...it's not what I want to do, but it is work)...I like my colleagues, and I like most of the customers...there are a lot of regulars and it is so lovely when you get a compliment on how 'pleasant' you are...or after being away for 8 weeks, you meet a regular customer in town, and they ask "have you left?" and tell you they miss you on the tills. I love talking to the customers...whilst I'm at work, part of me is pretending to be happy, and then after an hour or so...part of me feels like it's real happiness...you get this 2 minute 'snippet' of someones life...a snapshot...they tell you about their garden...or the afternoon they're looking forward to having with their grandchildren...or how their husband passed away...or even that they're off to work after you've served them....you wish them a good day, and hope the next customer is just as pleasant.
I hope one morning I will wake up, not filled with dread at the thought of going to work and facing the world...but enjoyment....or even sheer boredom at the thought of going to work...anything but the panic in the morning! Once I'm there, I love it (90% of the time!)
- Struggling now...urm...it's not a funny thing...it's not even something that feels good 'now'....but what keeps me going is feeling alive....most of the time I am 'lifeless'...very little enjoyment...it's not great, but it's not bad either..it's bareable, maneagable, it's getting by...then I have stages of absolute fear, and emotional agony, and can't bare to go on...then there's the little rarities, where I feel like the sun is out (even on a rainy day), I feel like the birds are singing their songs just for me...that all the flowers colours are much brighter, that everything is so alive....and that feeling is what keeps me going...that oneday it won't be 1 day in a 100 that feels like that...but will be 1 day in 50....1 day in 20...1 day in 10...I know everyday won't ever be like that...even 'normal' people don't feel like that every day...but knowing it's possible...knowing 1 day in 10 could be acieved...it keeps me going...keeps me hoping...keeps me laughing at my nephews smile...keeps me working even when I can't face the world, so I can keep my cheeky, loveable horse.
|My Nephew - 2 days old!|