A Memory Untouched

A breakthrough? I don't know...but even writing this I smile a smile so wide, laughter is painting my face again...and all the while this memory has always been there...hidden beneath the darkness...somehow it is untouched by your shadow, it is pure, it is shining brightly in my mind....I will cling to this memory, as it is hope!!

All my memories of before you destroyed my life are ruined...I cling to them, I try to be that person again...but they feel tainted, they feel unreal, and dead. Those days are gone, and those memories shadowed...

My memories of now are dark...now is filled with shame, anger, pain and regret...but there is one memory of 'now' (well, actually 4 years ago...I think), that you have not touched. And I cannot believe I forgot it!
The summer after what you did, I worked at an organic carrot farm in Inverness...I forgot you! I had fun with my friend, I even made new friends...we worked long, we worked hard...12 hour shifts filled with rows and rows and rows of carrots, and we had to pick the weeds...and all the while you were not there...I picked and picked and picked...I laughed and laughed and laughed...I slept dreamless dreams from the exhaustion, but I was happy! I was free!! I was outside...it rained and I laughed...the sun shined and I beamed!

I cannot believe I forgot about how much I enjoyed that month until I was talking to my counsellor about it...I don't think she has ever heard me laugh like that! I haven't heard myself laugh like that in a long time!!

You cannot touch every memory of mine!! And one day, there will be another memory, untouched by your dirty hands!!

Nightmares

Why can't it leave me alone?? Even on a good day with no anxieties, it then haunts my dreams! I returned to work today...8 weeks ago that was a major issue! But today, one small panic that I even laughed about driving to work, and that was it! So why torment me when I'm feeling good???

It was another 'awake' nightmare...I don't know how else to call it...you think you're awake but you're not. Although looking back at it, there's little oddities that make it obvious it's a dream but doesn't feel like it!
I've literally woken from it 10 mins ago, lamp is still on and still too scared to go back to sleep...I'm starting to really hate my touch lamp and feel like about to cry!!

It started off with me in my current bedroom, and the longside where my bed is had a massive pane of glass instead of a wall. It looked out onto a dense woods; very dark, very tall trees packed together. I knew it wasn't a safe room in the house because university students lived on the otherside of the woods! I had just woken up and didn't feel safe so touched my touch lamp; didn't turn on! (it's weird because at that point because I have had them so regular the passed 12 months or so, when my lamp doesn't turn on, my head knows it's a dream...which funnily, just this minute occurred to me after recommending the film to someone, there is a scene in Waking Life where a guy knows it's a dream by simple things like lighting not working...it's lucid dreaming...so is this lucid dreaming??? If it is, I hate it!)

I kept touching the lamp over over, but it wouldn't turn on! I 'woke up' again. Went out on the landing, I needed to feel the household, hear my parents snoring to comfort me, make me feel safe, but instead my dog was outside the door and she started growling at me, she wasn't her, but it was light out on the landing. Slammed the door, back in dark room, tried to touch lamp again and again and again, finally started whacking it against the wall, all the while feeling like I was really awake and my parents would come running through any minute...nothing...'woke up'...went to bathroom, was slightly different, felt like I was losing my mind and knew I could scream as loud as I wanted because it's a dream! Screamed! My mum came running through...felt an idiot because I was actually awake, and now my mum was worried. She went to touch my arm and I woke up...lay in darkness, too scared to touch lamp...think only lay there few seconds...touched lamp...it worked!!! I can't tell you the relief I get whenever the lamp works at night...when the light comes on and I know I am awake!

I know reading this, it doesn't sound scary, but to me they are terrifying! I've had these dreams quite regular, only once has it involved him and I hope never again!
They first started when my friend died whilst I was at uni (4 months after the incident), and I suppose it was the guilt of not returning home for his funeral which triggered it. I had them nearly every night for a month or so before they finally stopped. Then a year later I had another one after dropping out, and it was about another 3 years before had them again. And now they're a regular occurence (once a month, sometimes more, sometimes less...normally around big stress or big change...which makes sense...)
Weirdly, I can't remember what I dreamt last night, but can remember every one of those awake nightmares like they happened yesterday!! They feel so much like real life, my memories of them are as clear as real life, perhaps more so!

Really starting to hate my lamp though...I see it in the dark and I dread and fear touching it incase it doesn't turn on! It was a blessing at first when I was having normal nightmares, as you just have to touch it anywhere and it turns on, rather than fumbling for the switch in the dark...now I fear the lamp as much as I fear my dreams! Stupid really! They're just dreams! It's just a lamp!

Alive

Feeling a very odd sense of being 'alive' today! A beautiful Spring day (although felt more like an early summers day!!), and I got to enjoy it with the one person who makes me feel alive, feel a rush of living. My horse.
It was no amazing ride today, just an hours trot around the block, but every minute I could feel life flowing through my veins, the sun warming my skin; warming my soul.

I need to thank my boy for keeping me alive!

After The Storm

I'm not happy as a whole with this picture, in my mind the colours were more intense. I regret adding colour as I always seem to lose the `realness`. I haven't drawn in a while due to my broken finger, but had some inspiration last night and decided to give it a go, couldn't hold pencil properly but don't think it would have made a difference to the lack of life!

After a storm, I love the crisp evening, the empty night sky, but knowing another storm looms far off.
This journey of healing is filled with storms and threatening clouds, but with each storm comes a beautiful clear sky, and can appreciate it all the more. Sometimes the storms are unexpected and you get caught in the rain. And other times you know it's coming, and all you can do is try to stay dry.
Sometimes you just need to dance in the rain, let it be a part of you and your story rather than allowing it to ruin your `perfect picture`

Some inspiration from the inevitable storm ahead

and from:
www.nicolerushin.com/raindrops-on-glass/
Thanks Nicole for your truly inspiring blog, words and poetry

Fear

The fear inside so primal,
Tearing beneath the skin
Screaming in agony,
Scratching away the torment.

Sheer terror, overwhelming
I cease to exist beyond today
Sickened to the core.
Too treacherous to belong!

Rotting inside, my mind has vanished
Blinded by the pain
Wishing for emptiness
Death a welcomed hand

Deafening silence!
It kills me inside
Hopes blown away on the fearce gale
Bringing my only friend
My nightmares of tomorrow!

 ©Invisible Shadows 2012

When fear takes over, there is not control; no logical and no rational. Just the blind terror, the adrenaline pumping through the vile veins. My head doesn't comprehend that there is no danger, it just feels like everything is closing in....calm...I can see the logical. I can see it's all irrational....put me out there and that's gone...no logic! A bad day of overwhelming irrational fears!
It feels weird, because when I was in my teens, I used to plan 'yearly' goals...nothing spectacular and unachievable, but little targets...and also had a '5 year plan'; which was uni, career etc...but now I look 5 years down the line and see nothing... I cease to exist beyond today! - because there is no tomorrow...there is no 5 years, no future. There is now...and that is all I see. What is a very strange feeling for me though, is I have started to plan for the summer...to actually see myself here for the summer is strange and unnerving.

Little Things

Isn't it funny how the little things can snap you in and out of darkness...how little lights, little victories can seem like a battle won! And how the smallest errors, the smallest bad day and it feels like the darkness will swallow you whole!! I suppose as my counsellor says, that's a 'symptom'...everything I feel is a 'symptom' of what happened, that symptoms eventually pass...and that is a comfort!

I  am sat in a pub on my own (which is an achievement by itself!! I have an hour to kill, so why not spend it pondering...I will admit the reason I am sat writing this is because I am getting quite anxious, so apologies for the babble that may follow!)

Take for instance, just before new years I crashed my car...nothing too bad, it did a 180 spin onto the grass verge on otherside of the road...but my instant thought sat in the car was that I wished it had killed me...it was an accidental crash, but I thought it would have been easier if the choice had been taken away from me...but it wasn't and right now I am not in that dark place, but everyday I fear that something will make me go back there...I know that all it takes is some minor thing!

But lately I've had some minor victories...I've had a blessing in disguise...and I've had some downs...

On 2nd January I broke my right ring finger (and believe me, you think a finger is nothing, but you don't realise how little you can do without it, especially when it's your dominant hand), and was told I will not be fit for work till 27th February...that I cannot ride my horse for 3 months and that I won't have full use of my hand for about 12 months! The first 2 weeks was an absolute struggle as I was still in that dark place, and horse riding (and driving) is my 'escape' it helps me clear my head. Makes me feel safe, makes the darkness subside for a small while!
But then, with rest, and free from all the anxiety filled situations, and the pressure and exhaustion of pretending all was ok and trying to get myself to work, I retreated from that dark place!

Little things have really made me feel better...and they really are insignificant things...10 days ago I was able to start writing a bit. 6 days ago I was able to hold and use the shavings fork. 3 days ago I had my 1st ride on my horse (albeit a very naughty ride as he misbehaved the entire way!) all these little things have helped my mood...although a small cloud appeared when the consultant told me when he removed the wires, I should be bending my finger more, which has me worried. I can't properly grab things and and can't make a fist, but I'm sure with time it will fully bend.

With only a week and half left before returning to work, the nerves are setting in...I really want to return...but terrified things will get bad. That I will return to that bleak, lonely place!

A poem written on a card sent to me a while back keeps me focussed on the rainbow and blue skies that comes after the inevitable storm:

This is your guardian angel saying that even if things seem a little bit crazy where you are right now, from up here you look pretty good. That tangled mess that's got you worried?  It's just a dark cloud...and there's a rainbow on the other side...

Remembering these words and that all the bad things I feel are just symptoms, helps make the unbareable days a little more copeable.

The Lost Soul

A lonely spirit wanders lost amongst the shadows

Eyes glazed over, behind the veils of time.

This moment an illusion; the past rippling into the present.

The darkened mystery of an uncertain future.

A tortured soul searching for the eternal end

The pain prolonged, mind reaching for the void.

This infinite emptiness; filled with sorrow and despair.

The vivid nightmares of the certainty of death.

Stumbling along this unseen, murky road

Disorientated within the darkness, hope out of reach.

This sadness overwhelming; devours my soul.

The life vanishes, hands clutching insignificance.

©Invisible Shadows 2012

Feeling rather out of place at the minute...trying to be that sister of before, the daughter of before...my brother is home for the week (he visits once a year, twice at tops), and it's like I need to be who they expect...but all I feel is lost...I am not who I am pretending to be, and yet this person I have become is not me either. That person who I was before doesn't exist; and so...who is there? who is this person in my body that I don't recognise? Feeling alone, and confused. Exhausted and lost. And yet they see sociable, happy, active and alive...how do I get rid of this imposter! How do I begin to piece together my broken self?

Guilt Shed Tears

Clinging on to that thread of hope,

Silent tears streaming down my face.

I feel the filth, the shame, the guilt, the lies

The truth is written across my downcast eyes.

Holding on to tomorrows dream,

Empty tears that leave no trace.

I feel the shadows hand running down my spine

Letting me know my life is never mine.

Grasping for the barbed wire of life,

Bloody tears betraying my disgrace.

I feel the secrets noose around my throat

There is no way off this sinking boat.

©Invisible Shadows 2012


Crying feels like weakness; in crying people will see the truth of what is hidden inside...they will see it written in the tears...crying brings vulnerability and shame. 
I feel like I'm constantly trying to put on a strong front, to hide this guilt from everyone...I keep trying to focus on a ' good tomorrow', but most of the time it feels like that life line is barbed wire, shredding my hands everytime I grip hold of it! Anytime I feel I finally have a hold on a part that isn't barbed; the next bit where I hold onto is...! It's a constant struggle...and I don't know what is killing me more! The lies; pretending to be someone else, just so they can't see and won't know of what happened....or the fact they they don't seem to see that I am someone else, that I am not me anymore...how can they not see, when it is so obvious to me...

Cry

Ever want to cry so much, but know that you can't! That if you cry, all those little things you've been trying so hard to keep together, will finally fall...that if one tear is shed, it will all just fall apart! I'm so close to dropping everything...I'm too scared to drop it all! Because I know I don't have the energy to pick it all back up again!

My Poison

What's my poison that I take, to make this pain less real?

It's taken 4 times daily, recommended without a meal.

The first dose is upon waking, a glass half full with coke,

Taken with some painkiller, the agony away it soaks.

What's my poison that I take, to make me calm and fly?

It's taken with a needle, guaranteed an instant high.

The second dose is at noon, before the shadows begin to appear

Into my wretched vein, the vile blood makes them disappear.

What's my poison that I take, to feed this empty soul?

It's taken to kill the hunger, white powder snorted whole.

The third dose instead of dinner, emptiness vanishes for a while

Confidence to conquer, and energy to go that extra mile.

What's that poison that I take, to finally end it all?

It's all of the above, guaranteed to crash and fall.

The 4th dose taken in bed, to keep those nightmares at bay

Never to awake, in the dreamworld forever to stay.

I have been off work for 5 weeks, and 2 more weeks to go....and now that there is a date set, I cannot cope...I enjoy work, but the anxieties got so much! I broke my finger, and have had time off, I thought it was the AD's that helped make things better, but now the date is set for return, they're all coming back, and so I've realised they haven't helped...it was the time off which has given me relief....the past week have been drinking during the day, to help calm me, with the painkillers it gives that escape I desperately need, as I can't drive or ride my horse to clear my head. I haven't taken recreational drugs in a very long time, and atm fighting the urge to go and buy some....I can't cope if things get as bad as before...I need a way out...I need an escape...