Saturday, 31 March 2012

618 Rules to Live By

I was inspired by a customer I served, to by this book...she was buying it, and when I scanned it I had a little peek in it, and it sounded a nice sort of 'flick through' book....and we got talking and she said she was buying it for herself...that she was going to live by 1 rule everyday...so theoretically 618 days of living by one of the books 'rules'....

I am starting tomorrow...and ironically the first rule is:
The first and great commandment is: Don't let them scare you - Elmer Davis

I won't post everyday the rule and how I lived by it...because I'm sure you'll be more bored by that than the boredom of my poems and rantings, lol! But I will put up the ones I felt truly inspired me.
I have been tempted to flick to the last rule...just to see what it is....but I don't want to spoil the surprise.

I hope you can find inspirations from these too...

If you're interested the book is 'Dance First. Think Later. 618 rules to live by - By Kathryn & Ross Petras... the 'rules' are taken from quotes by various writers, poets, philosophers, scientists, comedians...etc...

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Past to Present...how much affects the other?

I need to say right off - I do not blame anyone for what happened; just myself! It was my fault it happened. It was my fault I dropped out. It is my fault I can't cope.

But part of me does wonder how much of how I have coped, of who I am, has been shaped by my parents.
By my dads comments:
"I never wanted kids"...I know he resents having us. He was an army man, high up in the ranks...and he had my mum pestering him for kids he never wanted! He still is an army man. Critical and harsh. He never got on with my brother, my brother had different views, different thinking, completely free spirit! And he was never scared to show it! Never scared to answer back! I was much like my brother, except I was terrified of my dads temper. He never did anything awful! Smacked us when we deserved it, and also if we had different view and spoke out of it he saw it as answering back. I only remember being slapped round the face twice.
I used to have a real close relationship with my brother. We used to hang out in his room when my dad was in one of his moods, moshing our anger out to Rage Against The Machines (Killing in the name of) "F*ck you I won't do what you tell me" was where we would literally jump around his room, laughing and just releasing some of the frustration. My brother is 4 years older than me, and when he was in his late teens, he had real bad paranoia from drug use...and I was there for him loads. I used to walk to town with him when he couldn't cope alone. I saw him drunkenly and randomly walk up to a stranger and say "are you looking at me!!!", and tried to pull him away....so I won't say it didn't hurt when the first chance he got he left home...left me with my dad...left me with my dad who would ALWAYS pick on my brother and I would defend him...I was now left with my dad constantly criticising and picking on me...with no one to defend me...to take my side! My brother still only comes home once a year for a week at most...sometimes not even that!

He calls me emotionless. And yet I wonder if he can see where I get it from....does he not see that I am pretty much his image...as much as I hate to admit that! I am stubborn, and I hide my emotions. As he always as...apart from his anger, that is all he was able to show freely.
Even before what happened, I have found it hard to show my emotions; to cry in public; to be openly angry; to laugh freely; to hug people...my mum used to, and still does make comments at how I'm not 'normal' in that I don't show my affection...my dad makes comments, and constantly winds me up with how I hate people touching my shoulder/neck or stand behind me...and he does it, just so I will flinch...and then proceed to tell me that I'm emotionless and don't like human contact!

My dad has always told me that they only ever wanted two children. One boy, one girl....that I was a mistake...I am a mistake! I am the third child they never wanted! I quite like the quote from the film Before Sunrise:
"I eventually kind of took pride in it. You know, like my life was my own doing, or something. You know, like I was crashing 'The Big Party.'" 
It's a nice way of turning around the unwanted and mistake feeling. That in actual fact, I took control of my being...nice thought...don't always feel like it...but whenever my dad tells me I'm a mistake, I always think of that quote. It makes me feel better.

Even now...at 25 I feel like I am being punished for the mistake of being born. He still tells me I am a mistake.
Last year...I think it was a few months before I tried to commit suicide, my dad said
"so long you're happy with your life...even if it is second best"... That infuriated me then and now!! Who is he to decide our lives are second best! My brother was the first child, and yes he had HUGE expectations for him to go to uni, he tried several occasions to get him to be an army man. But my brother is a pacifist...he went on to do a Fine Art degree and now lives on a boat on a river, and is quite content doing various jobs as a chef, and then quitting to work all over the world at festivals as a chef, and do his fire juggling etc. My sister was and still is a daddy's girl...nothing she does will ever be wrong...she will always be an achiever in his eyes.....I was the academic one...Really good GCSE grades (the best out of us three kids), and average ALevels (due to a little bit too much fun with my friend)...uni was a dream of mine...and an expectation from my parents...I failed in both ways! I ruined my dreams...I failed their expectations. But none of how our lives turned out is his right to call 'second best!'...my brother would not think his life is second best whatsoever! I on the other hand would not have chosen this life for myself! It is worst than second best. I am not happy with my life...but who is he to judge that! To decide we've chosen second best!

My dad makes constant jokes about my IBS, it's a hot topic when guests are around...constantly telling me I am a fussy eater...same with my suicide attempts...they are jokes, 'witty' remarks get said!

I know it is his own insecurities...I love my parents to bits...



I wonder what it would be like to tell them what happened...to let them in on this awful secret that is eating me from within; to have support....not to worry that this would be something else my dad would 'joke' about...or tell me it was my own fault...tell me I'm weak and should be over it.


I seriously am not blaming my dad...I am 25....I can move out if I wish...and I hope to before end of year whether can afford to or not! I can change my ways if I want, as I am an adult...who my parents are does not define me anymore...I have every and any opportunity to make myself a different person...so none of what happened is their fault...

But I do wonder how much of what is drummed into us as kids, does affect our adult selves.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Drawing on Strength

I'm not in a very good place right now. I can't focus. I can't find energy, perhaps because the only way I can make it leave me alone is by not stopping. I can't make myself care. I'm making mistakes at work because I can't focus - and I don't care. I'm lost within my head most of the time. I feel so dead right now. Most of the time I feel empty...and when I come home I dive into the bottle of vodka to keep not feeling. I feel on the verge of tears...so down another glass! I can't cry! I cannot let myself cry!

But there is one thing I find the little bit of energy, and care for...my horse...going to the yard gives me a bit of socialising...I feel happier there...almost a different person. I feel this weight lift off...there is not pretending; there's no false smile...It's a real smile...I watched my horse frisk about with springtime happiness, when he entered his 'summer field' for the first time, with his 3 other companions. I watched him greet an old friend that he shared a field with last summer but he hadn't seen all winter as he'd been in a different field. I watched them all eat grass, then go for a little charge around...eat grass...charge around...buck....so content with their lives...so happy with this new field...they have their boundaries, and yet they charge around as if there are no limits...as if they are wild and free!

During the early hours Sunday morning, a foal was born on the yard...and seeing her, on her wobbly legs for the first time, she couldn't have been more than 5 hours old...I could feel tears welling behind my eyes...I felt something beyond this infinite sadness. I felt hope...I felt sad...but I saw this beautiful miracle before my eyes...and I felt hope


And so...in these dark times, when my walls are closing in...this space is getting smaller and smaller...I have horses to cling to! I have their wildness....their freedom...I have a bond with my loveable boy...I have hope!

Friday, 23 March 2012

A Letter To Myself

I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused
For all the smiles I made you force.
I'm sorry for all the scars you bear
For all the wounds and tears we shared.
For all those nights you were alone
Because my heart was made of stone.
I hope you can forgive the unending fights
The internal shouts, out of sight.
Please forgive that weakness in me
All those days I just was not free.
As you stare into the truthful mirror
I hope you can forgive that awful sinner.

©Invisible Shadows 2012


I know one day I will look back, and I will be a different person.
I know I will one day have to forgive myself.
I don't know when that day will be...one day I will be able to do it. Not today.
I have hope that one day I will not be pointing the finger at myself. That the blame isn't shifted to anyone.
One day I hope I can see it as something that happened. Not something that is still happening.
I hope one day I will be a survivor.

On that day I will have to read this poem to myself! To ask myself for forgiveness, for all I have put myself through. The crying, the self loathing, the lonliness, the self hurt, the anger....all of it I have aimed at me...one day I will stand in the mirror and ask "do you forgive me?" and one day the answer will be "yes!"

Is it weird to write a poem for my future self?

It's weird to me to be thinking of a day that I actually will forgive myself!

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Had I But Wings Like Thine

Had I but wings like thine,
Free bird of flight,
To scale the heights that only wings can reach,
Or steer my passage o'er yon seas of light,
Whose cloudy beach
Is ever shifting like the sands of time!

Had I but wings like thine
To soar between
Those airy deeps and lower deeps more real,
Above the wrecks and ruins of the main,
The joy to feel
Of freedom on unfailing pinions mine!

Had I but wings like thine
To visit lands
Of ancient story and undimmed renown;
To roam and rest beside those glittering strands
That ages crown
With words and thoughts that lustrous gems outshine!
 
Had I but wings like thine!
In yonder skies,
Thy graceful form becomes a speck to view;
Had I but wings like thine I would arise,
A bird of passage too,
To pass beyond this narrow prison line!

Had I but wings like thine!
'Tis vain to long;
Ah! rather let me feel those hidden wings,
That to a higher, broader, flight belong;
Be mine a heart that ever soars and sings
Above the wrecks of wrong! 

By Martha Lavinia Hoffman



I wanted to write a poem, but can't seem to form the words...but I found this one, and is much more beautiful than I could have written! It echoes everything I want to write but can't find the words to say. Beautiful and vivid.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

I want to be free like you!

I don't really know where to start, so why not start with a Nickleback song I was singing along to in the car today


My best friend gave me the best advice  
He said each day's a gift and not a given right 
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind  
And try to take the path less traveled by  
That first step you take is always the longest stride 

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late 
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?  
Would you live each moment like your last 
Leave old pictures in the past? 
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day? 
What if, what if, if today was your last day?
 

Against the grain should be a way of life 
What's worth the price is always worth the fight 
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try 
So live like you're never living twice 
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late 

Could you say goodbye to yesterday? 
Would you live each moment like your last? 
Leave old pictures in the past? 
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see? 

Reminisce old memories? 
Would you forgive your enemies? 
And would you find that one you're dreaming of? 
Swear up and down to God above 
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day? 

If today was your last day 
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart? 
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars 
Regardless of who you are
 

So do whatever it takes 
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life 
Let nothing stand in your way 
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side
 

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late 
Could you say goodbye to yesterday? 
Would you live each moment like your last? 
Leave old pictures in the past? 
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see? 

Reminisce old memories? 
Would you forgive your enemies? 
And would you find that one you're dreaming o
Swear up and down to God above 
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?



Today has been a good day. I will admit that...thoughts are tangled as usual, and this may help unwind them a bit. 

I have given up counselling. I have also given up seeing my CPN. I do not think they are the routes to go. I don't know; I'm probably completely wrong, and not a good idea to go it alone. But I am tired of talking to people who pretend to understand; I am tired of depending on people who really aren't dependable. It's their job. They are not real supports.

I've had a really bad week! I triggered myself bad, and that feeling is still there; simmering beneath the skin! I also had a massive scare which tripped me into a bigger descent into blackness and shadows. There is no point going into it, as that moment is in the past. I still having bad feelings, but what happened, won't happen again! 

I have found a way to cope...don't stop...I don't know if this is a good or bad way to cope, but it's working for now. The evenings and my day offs are the worst times for memories and dark feeling. It's the silence; it all creeps back into my thoughts. Work days are ok...it starts off at the yard, then straight to work, then yard...so that is 7am till 6pm covered...and so evenings are filled with meaningless things to keep me active and occupied.  Day offs are now going to be jam packed full of things, as I have had a great day today...but the moment I walked through the door, I felt it all descend on me, I feel covered in it, I can feel the vileness starting to seep back in.

I went to the yard for 8:30am...had a 2 hour hack and got home for 1ish...then not even having lunch or sitting down I proceeded to hose down my horses summer rug, ready for him to wear by the end of this week...ran upstairs and changed into suitable attire; rammed my bike in my car...drove 45minutes along straight speedy roads whizzing along at 60mph, and super bendy, winding country roads to arrive at my destination - Lake V. I had a 13 mile bike ride, and I felt great! I have heard often that exercise releases Endorphines, and I will say it was nice to feel 'happiness' running through my veins, rather than the usual vileness. During the 45minute drive home, I sang along to numerous songs, I laughed and smiled at nothing, and I felt so so so alive!! I had not a single dark thought at all....until I worked through the door at 6:30pm and was greeted by my father with the usual smarky comment at something I've done wrong! I love my parents to bits! But some days it is so tiring to be told I am worthless, useless, that I was a 'mistake' (it's one thing to say it to yourself, than to have someone else confirm it!). It isn't my dads fault, he has his own issues and insecurities, I just wish I wasn't the target. I wish I could trust him with this secret, without worrying that it will become his next 'topic' of humilation or worthlessness; like my IBS...unfortunately that is a hot topic when guests are round, and so I tend to avoid the humiliation and pretend I have plans.

I have decided all day offs will be like today! Full of stuff! Full of 'active' activities! Full of peace, and inspiration! (which brings me on to the bird!). And come the summer nights, I can avoid home even more, by going to Lake V in the evenings after work, when there is still light.


I met this friendly little chappy halfway round the lake; I sat on one of the benches for a breather and a drink, and down flew this gentle, trusting chap. If I reached out my arm I would have been able to touch him! But the conservationist in me stops me in my tracks. The beauty of a wild animal is their freedom! No bars, no walls, no rules of society; bound only by their laws of nature which only they know the answers to! I sat for almost half an hour, watching this beautiful, wild, free creature...he was drawn to me through curiosity and hope of food (which I did leave for him on my departure)...and I was drawn to him because of what he was; what he represented. I envied this animal. I envied his beauty; his trusting personality; his freedom. I wanted to be this bird; to fly away; to soar high into the sky; to leave this world behind!


Sat in my room; with the walls closing in again; I have this small sense of calmness...knowing I have found a  way to make it all stop for atleast most of the day. One day I will be like this bird. I will stretch my wings and fly! I will soar above, and people will admire my beauty. I will be filled with peace.


I have found my place of peace...and I intend to go there at least once a week!


I intend to write a poem; but creativity is not here tonight...I am quite exhausted; which hopefully means the shadows will not steal my sleep tonight.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Insignificant Footsteps in the Sand

There is a whole world out there
Beyond my death filled eyes
Growing, twisting, flowering;
The insignificance of my touch
like a gentle breeze stroking Everest
Forever standing high above the clouds
Unmoving; forever changing; forever there,
Untouched by mans meager footsteps
Washed away in the sand.
The Ocean calls to the moon
Working together, both unwilling
to be conquered by the modern beasts;
Death comes to those reaching for the stars
Death comes to those controlling what cannot be tamed.
In harmony, the Earth still bumbles on
Immortal
Ancient
Unforgiving.
Destruction man can only dream of!

©Invisible Shadows 2012


Not really sure where this one came from! I read a beautiful poem by Nicole Rushin today, which made me want to write about the beauty of nature. That despite everything that happens in 'mans world', everything we do is insignificant, and is just a breeze on the Earth's cheek...it is all inconsequential...all our destruction is nothing compared to what nature can do! We are insignificant. When we have 'detroyed' Earth so we are unable to survive, the Earth will still go on, it will adjust, it will survive.

I have just reminded myself of a truly amazing film! No words are uttered, so it is not for those with short attention spans. But it is truly inspiring and absolutely beautiful, and saddening! It shows the natural (and man made) beauties on this Earth; as well as the natural and man made destruction.
It is called Baraka, and I recommend it! 
Synopsis from Amazon:
" A visually stunning film shot over 13 months, in 24 countries; Baraka is an overwhelming experience that spans the geographical, cultural and social diversity of our changing planet. Set to an atmospheric sountrack inspired by various rituals and nature itself, the film captures the very essence of man's relationship with the earth, both harmonious and catastrophic. Baraka is a journey of rediscovery. It is the power, the beauty and the rage of life itself. It is the world we live in."

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

5 things

I saw something similar on Facebook, and I have adapted it...something to remind myself  "it's all good!"


5 things that make me laugh & Keep me going
Smartie soon discovered the hay on
the other side of the wall! Winter
weight loss plan sabotaged...onto Plan B!

  •  My best mate that I have known since we were 11...no matter how much time has passed since we last saw eachother, we talk and laugh as though it was yesterday. No matter how many 100's of miles between us, we always seem to be going through the same thing. In the ups and the downs, I always have a friend I can depend on (even if she doesn't know the reason for the downs), and she can depend on me. She is the one person I am not afraid to show this 'new' me. Many many fond childhood memories which we still reminise about...she is the one school friend I still have things in common with....she is the one person that still manages to connect me to my oldself.
  • My horse. He has bags of character. Likes to stick his tongue out at passers by (very rude!), has a cheeky (but not malitious) streak in him. Every morning I go to see him, he does something that makes me smile...whether it is cantering and bucking up the field when I turn him loose, or carrying his lead rope in his mouth like a dog would! He is my light in this darkness.
  • My Nephew - 2 days old!
  • My nephew! He is an absolute star!! Born 10 weeks early weighed 3.5lb, he has had a rough start. He had meningitis at 3 weeks old, and stopped breathing at about 12 weeks old...but he is now 10 months old, and you would never have thought his life has been filled with so much! He looks a bit younger due to his size, but he has bundles of energy, is very sociable, outgoing and intelligent, and EXTREMELY cute!!! He loves to bounce! It has been tempting to buy him a tigger outfit as it would suit him perfectly. He only lives across the road from me, but everytime I see him he changes! He grows bigger, he does new things! Just yesterday my sister showed me his latest trick; clapping! But his favourite and most cheeky thing he loves to do...blow raspberrys! The giggles that come out of him are contageous! I may be biased, but I think he is the cutest baby I've ever seen! 
  • Funnily enough....work! As hard as it is some mornings to get out, to face the world, to be around people! As exhausting as it is to be around people for so long....I love to work...I love to keep busy (it's break time I find the hardest...when finally stop...that's when I get anxious)....once I'm there I enjoy it (it's not a career, I just work on checkouts...it's not what I want to do, but it is work)...I like my colleagues, and I like most of the customers...there are a lot of regulars and it is so lovely when you get a compliment on how 'pleasant' you are...or after being away for 8 weeks, you meet a regular customer in town, and they ask "have you left?" and tell you they miss you on the tills. I love talking to the customers...whilst I'm at work, part of me is pretending to be happy, and then after an hour or so...part of me feels like it's real happiness...you get this 2 minute 'snippet' of someones life...a snapshot...they tell you about their garden...or the afternoon they're looking forward to having with their grandchildren...or how their husband passed away...or even that they're off to work after you've served them....you wish them a good day, and hope the next customer is just as pleasant.
    I hope one morning I will wake up, not filled with dread at the thought of going to work and facing the world...but enjoyment....or even sheer boredom at the thought of going to work...anything but the panic in the morning! Once I'm there, I love it (90% of the time!)
  • Struggling now...urm...it's not a funny thing...it's not even something that feels good 'now'....but what keeps me going is feeling alive....most of the time I am 'lifeless'...very little enjoyment...it's not great, but it's not bad either..it's bareable, maneagable, it's getting by...then I have stages of absolute fear, and emotional agony, and can't bare to go on...then there's the little rarities, where I feel like the sun is out (even on a rainy day), I feel like the birds are singing their songs just for me...that all the flowers colours are much brighter, that everything is so alive....and that feeling is what keeps me going...that oneday it won't be 1 day in a 100 that feels like that...but will be 1 day in 50....1 day in 20...1 day in 10...I know everyday won't ever be like that...even 'normal' people don't feel like that every day...but knowing it's possible...knowing 1 day in 10 could be acieved...it keeps me going...keeps me hoping...keeps me laughing at my nephews smile...keeps me working even when I can't face the world, so I can keep my cheeky, loveable horse. 
I might be drunk, or I might just be realising, life is meant to be hard! Otherwise what would there be to appreciate...what would there be to laugh about if every day was great....how would you know it was great, if there wasn't something bad in it, to make it great...to make that day one of a kind!

Monday, 12 March 2012

The Laughter In My Head

Trying to drown out the laughter I hear inside my head,
I down another glass, but see his eyes instead.
...Arms pinned down, tears trickling down my cheeks
I hear the laughter outside; of beer his breath reeks!

I try to keep myself present, keep the past at bay,
Another glass goes down, it has become the only way.
...In and out of consciousness I see his fuzzy face
Propped against the wall, I leave in disgrace.

The shame eats away all the goodness that I had
Vile and so empty; my stomach's turning bad.
...Sniggers in the corner; kicks behind my seat;
Torments my waking life; I cannot bare his eyes to meet.

I left that world behind; Miles and miles behind
Yet in my dreams; it's me he always somehow finds.
...His breath on my neck; a winning smirk that he owns
Between the distant laughter, and my cries, I can hear his pleasured moans.

There is only one way to stop it, to black it out my head;
To drink it all away, to pass out on my bed.
One day it will be gone, forever hidden away
Peace will be mine; when in my empty grave I lay.

©Invisible Shadows 2012



Nothing much to say. Having a real bad time with memories. It seems I've triggered myself badly, and can't get it out my head!

Saturday, 10 March 2012

The Barbed Wires of Life

I thought things were getting good! I'm a little emotional as everything seemed to hit me all at once. I freaked myself out, I have always been disgusted in myself, and lately I have put on weight, and I can see it! I have some issues with food due to my IBS, and feel sick at the sight of food, and eating it, and I was losing weight fast! I had 8 weeks off work, which meant I actually enjoyed food,  there was no worrying overly about how it would affect me...but now I've put on weight, and I have real bad cravings! I saw myself in the mirror and saw how disgusting and vile I am....and for the first time in the 5 years since it happened, I thought "why would anyone even want to rape me??!"....and it freaked me out, because then all I could hear was my friend repeating back to me what the guy was spreading around. That I deserved it! That he could have slept with better any day! I can hear all the voices and the laughing outside the room, I still freak out at the thought they could hear me crying and were laughing. Or did they not hear me crying because of the party and laughing??? All the while I could see this fat, vile person staring back at me in the mirror! I have such self loathing at the moment! That night hasn't affected me this much in a while, and I'm not coping very well. So back to drawing. It always helps.

I've had a different version of this drawing in my head for a while, but wanted to wait till I could hold the pencil properly! But I can't even make a dent in a foam ball yet!!!! I really needed to draw though! The original drawing was meant to be a hand holding a key; representing that only you can unlock that door of your dreams.
But it's not that easy! The key is bound tightly to your hand with barbed wire; Life and fears can stop you from opening the door, as much as you want to put the key in the lock, you cannot find a way to free it without hurting yourself, without bleeding. It's almost like the barbed wire is part of you.

There is no unlocking that door. Not without leaving scars.

Friday, 9 March 2012

Happy The Man

Happy the man, and happy he alone,
he who can call today his own:
he who, secure within, can say,
Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today

Be fair or foul, or rain or shine
the joys I have possessed, in spite of fate, are mine.
Not heaven itself, upon the past has power,
but what has been, has been, and I have had my hour.

by
Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus)


Read this and it spoke to something within me. I love the line "tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived for today"...life is short, and needs to be lived and enjoyed, and nothing, not even god himself could take away the good days of the past....shame he can't take away the bad days either. But I suppose, those good days are enjoyed all the more. Inspirational poem...makes me want to 'want' to be alive!

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Goodbye

Today I looked into the mirror and said "Goodbye" to yesterday
Farewell to a face painted with laughter
Farewell to eyes shimmering with dreams
Farewell to hands filled with love
Waving to a life, stolen along a breeze.

Filled with grief and despair; holding a crumpled memory
Life still goes on!
In the darkness come the sparkling fireflies of hope and dreams
Dancing, teasing
Eyes too blinded by tears to see
Hands too full with photographs to grasp the stars of possibilities.

Tomorrow I will say "Goodbye" to today.
Gone are the darkened eyes of sadness
Gone is the face carved with pain
Gone are the walls of this cage
Forever healed are the scars of the nightmares within
Washed away by peace and love
I hold the fireflies within my heart!

©Invisible Shadows 2012

Inspired by Nicole Rushin and her post on Ten Poems to Say Goodbye
http://www.nicolerushin.com/on-ten-poems-to-say-goodbye/

Saying 'Goodbye to yesterday'; is saying goodbye to the old me, my old life, knowing things will never be the same...yet still trying to cling on to it ("holding a crumpled memory")...
Now is filled with pain and despair of all that was lost...hands too full with the past to be able to grab the hope of future...hands need to be empty to catch one of those fireflies...need to let go of the past, to move on to tomorrow!
And so the last part is hope...because tomorrow (sometime in the future), I will let go of yesterday, and finally be rid of today, and be able to create a future!