Sunday, 29 April 2012

I Scream!

Such anger, such rage!
Red hot

Blood boiling!
I scream!!

How can you not see the change!
You shout, you torment
I scream!
Dry tears shed!
We dance a dance of strangers
Unknowing!
I scream!
Deafening noise in this empty room!
I am dead!
Yet you see a walking corpse!
Open your eyes!
Open your ears!
Hear my truth!
I am dead
I scream!
Walk away!
Turn your back!
Let me die in silence
Let me die alone!

©Invisible Shadows 2012
  

Sometimes I get so frustrated, so angry that people cannot see the change...friends and family...My own parents...they call me unsocaible, say that I don't enjoy their company, call me grumpy...why can't they see I'm not their daughter...I am not who I was!! Can they not see it! It seems so obvious to me!! I am screaming, yet it is falling on deaf ears!!
I am not me! I am dead!
The mask is a lie! And the people who are 'closest' to me, don't even see it!!!!
The people who 'love' me, cannot really love me, because they do not know who I am. They do not know the shame or the guilt...how can they love something like me!! If they knew the truth of my failure, they would not love me! They would not love 'this'!!! How can they not see it, when it is so obvious!!! They are my parents...and yet they do not see!!!

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Live

I had a real bad patch and stopped using this book and it's 'rules'...I stopped many things. But back to enjoying simple things again (horse; reading; etc).

Anyway. Todays one I should remember on a daily basis.

"The only dream worth having...is to live while you're alive and die only when you're dead"
- Arundhati Roy (Activist/Writer)

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

The Song of the Wind

Sitting, hidden amongst the grass
I hear the wind sing the songs of lives past
Forever living along the breath of a breeze.
Childrens laughter played within the wind chimes;
Tales of love sung from the mountain tops.

Alone, safe upon the moor, I close my eyes
I dream the dreams of the gentle breeze.
It wipes away the tears tricking down my cheek,
Whispering ancient voices, knowing I am not alone.
Safe, and free, the endless beauties before me.

Arms outstretched the wind carries me afar
My life becoming a whisper
Carried softly through the trees.

©Invisible Shadows

Monday, 23 April 2012

Carry You

This music isn't really my type...I am a rock fan, I also like electronic...I like everything, but I wouldn't find this band one I would rush to listen to, but WOW! The words to this song 'Carry You' by VNV Nation, are...there's no words I can really say. But they really mean something to me...anyway here they are.


Conceal your deepest worries,
Confine your thoughts,
Inside the walls you built,
Of damaged pride.

The light in your eyes failing,
Like you're adrift,
Like night pretending to be day,
These storms subside.

Though the past, the unwanted memories,
Are holding onto you,
All the power in the universe,
Conspires to carry you.
Truths you find through your adversities,
Will defend you,
As your powers and all your energies,
Conspire to carry you.

The adversary of your soul,
The blackest thoughts,
That try to poison you,
These storms subside.

Lay down your greatest burden,
Relinquish that,
Which has control of you,
And let yourself through.

Though the past, the unwanted memories,
Are holding onto you,
All the power in the universe,
Conspires to carry you.
Truths you find through your adversities,
Will defend you,
As your powers and all your energies,
Conspire to carry you.

Though it seems the past and future look the same,
Suffice to say that you're still here.

Though the past, the unwanted memories,
Are holding onto you,
All the power in the universe,
Conspires to carry you.
Truths you find through your adversities,
Will defend you,
As your powers and all your energies,
Conspire to carry you.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Deathly Silence

Sitting in silence, the noise overwhelming
I plead for peace within!
Reaching for the blade
My soul screams in agony for the last time
Bleeding!
Dieing!
The tormented memories are released.
As the life fades from these empty eyes
The blood drains the shame and guilt from these vile veins.
Deathly silence is mine at last.
I hear a whisper in my head
Letting me know the pain is no longer mine.
Eyes closed
I welcome the darkness!

©Invisible Shadows


I haven't been coping very well at all. I wrote this sat in my car in a forest.
I drove 40 minutes to a quiet secluded spot, three nights in a row, with the intention each time to stop all this pain. But eeach time, the driving calmed me down. I got there. Sat in silence for a few hours. Unable to stop everything, unable to stop the noise in my head. And drove home.
The urge to end this overwhelming pain has passed. The thoughts are back to a low hum, the sort of volume I now see as 'normal'....I wonder what it would be like, to hear silence...to feel a peaceful emptiness in my head.
All of this came about by something so stupid! And yet even now, if I let my mind think on it, it freaks me out. I am getting by each day by looking only to tomorrow. I can only plan for tomorrow, the end of a week at a push. But looking at next month sends me on a downward spiral. Next 6 months, next 12 months, I can't look that far!!! How stupid is it to not be able to 'plan' for a months time!! To get to next week, I have so many tomorrows, so many days filled with anxiety, pain and exhaustion. I just can't look that far....so I have tomorrow...and tomorrow...and tomorrow...that is my plan...because if I start planning for next month again, I will have another meltdown!

Monday, 16 April 2012

Peace!

Sitting on my darkened hill
The vile blood feeding my rotting heart.
Mocking
Beating to the song of death.
I feel an emptiness
A peace I never knew.
As the sun sets, my life fades
Into the darkness I walk,
No fear
No pain.


© Invisible Shadows

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

The Mirror

Looking in the mirror I see my life;
I try to pretend it is all I ever wanted
Ignore the pain of failings, sharper than a knife.
Trapped within these walls; this is all I have ever wanted!

Looking in the mirror I see what I have become;
I cover the scars; what you cannot see, does not exist
The faded eyes, the lifeless soul; visible to no one.
I destroy the photographs of a different life; what you cannot see does not exist!

Looking in the mirror, darkness fills the room
Behind a wretched mask, safety is what I seek
No reason to venture out this cage, anytime soon.
Within this vile body, death is all I seek!

©Invisible Shadows 2012 


I'm trying so hard to not want more than this. To try and make myself believe this is ok, that I don't want college, I don't want to be able to go out and do things (volunteering, socialising), that this pathetic existence is ok...If I can make myself be happy with this job that's going nowhere, with barely stepping out the house apart from for work and to see my gorgeous horse...if I could make myself be happy with that, then I could somehow get past the nightmares, get beyond the self hate. Focussing on college as a target, it brings back all of uni, it makes the fear worst. But not having it as a goal; it makes me feel useless, like I have no future, will achieve nothing!

Monday, 9 April 2012

My Past and My Future

Just a scribble, been getting the urge to draw for a while, but still struggling to hold pen/pencil properly. But needed to get something out....it's helped...drawing always helps.
1 noose for the past. 1 noose for the future.

Sunday, 8 April 2012

Deathly Rage

Rage boiling within my veins, 
Screaming at me!
I hear the laughter!
The words insane!

Coarsing through my heart,
Shattering any love
I have no gentle hands
I want to rip everything apart!

Murder! Death! Decay!
The only words I know
Rotting inside my head
You killed me that day!

Beware this vile corpse!
Caged within torment
I will shred this skin
Bleeding from the battle fought!

© Invisible Shadows

Great Battle

Todays rule was
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle" - Ian Maclaren (Writer)

I quite like this one, but as today has been a day of not being around people, I am postponing it till tomorrow...It's nice to be reminded that people aren't what they seem...that beneath the rudeness, or the over hyper happiness, there could be a greaving widow; a divorced single parent; a traumatised human being...we're all human...I know I seem to go from snappy, sharp and rude, to over friendly, chatty and 'happy'...I have very little patience these days...and people may think I am rude...they don't know me, they don't know my 'great battle'...and so tomorrow...the rude customers I won't be short back to, I will try my hardest to try and make their day better, make their battle easier.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Nightmares

Drinking through this nightmare,
So much darkness I cannot share
It blurs your face to a shadow
From within the thorns do grow.

Alone, in my head, the thoughts disappear
Images are all that's left, the words lost in fear.
You have become the thing beneath my bed
I hide behind the words, that never can be said!

You win! You always win!
Your prize, a dead body full of sin!
Decaying, rotten and vile
Gone is the trust, dreams and smile.

Laughing, buried within the madness inside
The future I had, has gone and died.
A walking corpse is all that is left
No voice to utter, the vile theft

©Invisible Shadows 2012


I didn't know I could ever feel this much anger...I suppose rage is the correct word...I am NOT an angry person! I don't openly show my anger...I have become more and more irritable with family...and more and more I can feel this anger eating me up...the smallest things have me 'fuming'!! And yet I don't show it...I smile, grinding my teeth....I have the urge to break everything in sight! There doesn't seem to be an outlet for this anger! I can't get angry at people, because they aren't the problem! I am! And so it comes out in bursts of irritability! My ability to hold a conversation (that isn't fake) is becoming less and less...sentances are no more than 3 or 4 words...and if try to be engaged in conversation, I walk off....work's different, I speak to the customers, I try to make them smile, I put on a smile...but that's different. It's fake...I'm a real bitch at the moment...and I hate it...I hate this rage in me...I really want to punch a wall, smash everything, break it all! Cause some self damage...and it scares me! I am not an angry person! This doesn't feel in control...and soon it's going to explode!

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Tomorrow

I keep hoping to awake from this nightmare
To see the flowers in all their vibrant colours
To hear the sounds of laughter
To smell the honeysuckle beneath my window!

I keep hoping that tomorrow will be the day
When I can finally smile a real smile
When I can finally face the world
When I can finally look in the mirror with pride.

I keep hoping my fears will never be true
That you will not haunt my dreams at night
That you do not make me fear outside
That you do not make me blame myself.

But I know tomorrow will be filled with shame
Filled with guilt
Filled with hate
My life is an endless line of tomorrows!

I have no hope
No energy to care
No one to hold my hand
Alone, in darkness...

©Invisible Shadows 2012

I wish I could tell someone...I wish I could just tell my parents...ask for help! I'm losing myself! I keep drinking...and I keep fighting...but I'm losing! I know I'm losing, because for the first time I haven't had the energy or care to see my horse! He is the light in all this darkness....and instead of seeing him, I have gone straight to my bottle of vodka. I went to work with the plan to end it...I came out of work exhausted and unable to drive to the place...unable to make all this pain go away!

I don;t understand why I feel so bad about something I caused??? About something that is my fault!
How do I make myself forget it ever happened? How do I make myself 'me'?

Monday, 2 April 2012

Sing. Dance. Write

Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something. - Kurt Vonnegut

I sang to one of my favourite songs in the shower...Regina Spektor - Fidelity
I always love this one part of the song towards the end...

I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices

I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music


And it breaks my heart
Breaks my heart




It has definately been a story telling day today...a friend I have known since I was 11 (so about 15years) has been home from uni for a week; and we've had a massive drunken night out friday, and today went on a mini road trip and reminisced...we laughed at 'The Fingerolls' incident...we talked of how much trouble we got into at school. We remembered fondly of how weird we were...we rarely see eachother, and yet as much as we both change, we still remain the same...we get together after a year, and we talk as though we saw eachother yesterday! Friendship is just that! It's a bit saddening in some ways, as she is the one person that makes me feel like that person 'before'...I have no anxiety around her, I can giggle and laugh and really feel like 'myself', no fake happy, no hiding the sadness...true laughter comes out...and that's who I write todays poem for...


You will always be my friend 
As you know way too much
Finger Rolls, DD
The 'bridge' and talks of such.

You are a friend whos dreams
Are high up in the stars,
You have the means to grab them
Just stay the way you are.

The Adventurer and Traveller
Living on the edge of a breeze
Your future is within your hands
You only have to believe.