Showing posts with label nature. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nature. Show all posts

Sunday, 12 August 2012

My Symbol of Healing

I know I am still quite a way off feeling like a new person, feeling like a new person I am happy with...but with every day I am still living, still breathing, still fighting; I am closer to becoming that person.

For a long time I have wanted a tattoo on my arm...I have many scars on there from self harm...from the days soon after the rape happened to recent ones when all I thought about was suicide...I started thinking "what's the point! I can't wear short sleeves anyway!!"...and so the cutting was a release...but as things have started getting better...and as the days started to get warmer...I wished and wished I had a way to be able to wear vest tops....and so I decided on a tattoo as a 'cover up', but also as a symbol of strength and healing....something to remind me on the hard days that there is hope....

I chose a Japanese Cherry Blossom because of its meaning...It symbolises the shortness of life...the blossoms are beautiful but short lived, as is human life...I see the blossoms falling off as representing the 'sheds' of my life...shedding the old, shedding the healing....becoming a new person...with each blossom that falls it is me healing and getting rid of the bad...waiting for the new blossom....we're always changing...we'll always have many blossoms...

This isn't the finished piece...I am having 3 Japanese symbols...meaning 'Hope' 'Strength' 'Truth'....there to remind me on the dark days...that there is always hope...that I do have strength....and perhaps will one day have the courage to speak the 'Truth' to those I love and want to share it with....but also one day I will be 'True'....I will throw away this mask I wear, and people will see me....'me'! the good and the bad...the ugly...and the beautiful...I will let them see me as a whole....and I will be 'Truth'.

Wednesday, 25 July 2012


I've been struggling again lately to get out the house...the plans of starting my day offs at 6am to do horse stuff, then to follow it with walks around scenic places (Whilst the weather is good), never work out...come 10am, I am still hiding indoors...too scared to go outside...and by the time I finally get outside, I have a few hours before either anxiety takes over, or it's time to get back.

I feel so trapped in my house though,....these 4 walls of my bedroom are my cage of safety, yet I resent it so much...I'd rather be outside...not stuck in here!

Today I finally made it out about noon...and it was sunny...I got to Lake V, and walked around the sculpture park, but got so anxious, with school holidays started, all the secluded spots even had swarms of I sat on a bench...breathed in...breathed out...tried to stay calm, and wrote a poem....

The whisper of your dreams,
Whistling through the trees,
Soaring through the clouds;
Far out of reach.

Within my tomb I lay
Reaching for the freedom of hope.
To catch a butterfly
Is to steal its dreams.
To hold your dreams
is to end all possibilities.

Before you can fly
Alongside your dreams.
You must love and trust
Who you are
Who you were
Who you will be.

Without hope and trust
Without love
You will never soar amongst the clouds
You will never be as free as the butterfly.
Without freedom, you are but dead!
 ©Invisible Shadows 2012

On driving home after panicking, I got angry, and instead of returning to my cage of safety, I drove to the local castle...and I walked around the grounds...walked to town, and into a tattoo shop...I have been wanting to tattoo over my scars for a long time, they are constant reminders of what happened, of the weakness...and so I am going to get a 'survivor' tattoo....personal to me...something that symbolises strength and hope....because I want rid of those scars...instead of looking at those ugly things and seeing bad memories...I can look down at something beautiful and see strength, and hope of future.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012


Don't have many words...I have had 3 days of living. 3 days of really living! OK, the anxieties were still there, and the 2nd day was a bit much a didn't do as much as I had wanted. But I lived. I feel so good right now! Even today, after work, I cycled to the yard, rode my horse, cycled back home...the pain in my legs. In my;s a good pain..

OK...maybe I'm writing more than I first expected...I dunno...Just nice to not feel everything is so's nice to feel like, sometimes, life can be good!

Smartie (the Bay), Smokie (the grey)
Sunday, me any my friend took our horses off in the trailer for a ride around a forest of 20,000acres dedicated to horses!! It was amazing! Smokie and Smartie had only met once before, and never traveled together...well...they loved each other...we turned them loose in the coral, and my horse Smartie NEVER lets horses near his hay! Well, both were happily munching away...after our 3 hour hack, we turned them loose in the coral again,...and for over an hour we were sat, totally fascinated watching them intensely groom each other! It was amazing to watch 2 horses that weren't companions, really enjoy each others company! I could sit and watch horses all day long.

Smartie enjoying the sun!
Duck Pond in the castle grounds
 Monday I had a very anxious day...I planned to have a riding lesson in the morning...but it took all my mental energy to get to the yard...I was so anxious, and I have no idea why, the yard is the one place I feel safe, and totally at peace! Once I got there, I was fine...we had a really good jumping lesson...more intense than I expected, and more jumps than I thought...I thought we were going to increase the size, but we also did a double (which I fell off at)...this is the first time I have fallen off Smartie, but luckily I landed on my feet...I have been quite nervous of falling off him, due to him being much bigger than what I used to ride, and me being very was fine...we learnt from it, and the 2nd time around we approached and jumped and landed the double perfectly...he learnt to watch where he was putting his feet, and I learnt not to 'anticipate' what he was going to do at the jump...after the lesson I did disappoint myself...I planned on walking into town, but panicked so much about it that I drove instead...I further disappointed myself, as I wanted to just browse in shops...I freaked out in the first one, and didn't do any shopping...I had also planned on walking through the main castle grounds and stopping in the cafe for a drink...I was too anxious to go to the cafe, but I was so angry at myself, that I forced myself to do the walk through the grounds...and although on edge, and lots of people around, I am so glad I made myself do it! I was not comfortable, I was feeling unsafe, and scared, but I did it!! As my CPN says..."feel the fear and do it anyway"...I did it...I felt it, and I bloody well did it!
Me and my friend met for drinks...was really good fun...was fine drinking at mine, and fine drinking at the pub; until her boyfriend and his mate came...I felt on edge and nervous, but stayed...until one of them made a rape joke whilst we were playing pool, which really messed with my head and feelings of shame and guilt, and total disgust...I left soon after...but I still enjoyed the time with my friend.

Lake V!
Tuesday, I was a little depressed in the morning...alcohol probably, mixed with how the night ended...but it was sunny! And I became so annoyed at myself for wasting the day! So at 1pm, I drove an hour to my favorite place to cycle (Lake V), and I cycled...13miles of gorgeous views...sun! I was anxious at some points; the weather brought out the crowds...but  I did it! I loved it!! The cycling brings pain in the legs...pain in my chest! At points I felt like I was running away from the past...running to a future! I couldn't breath because I was trying to cycle so fast. At one point I ended up screaming! I felt such rage, such anger! I screamed! Thankfully it was very secluded spot, and if anyone had seen me, they must have thought I was slightly crazy! I felt so much better by the end of it...even now I feel some...peace...! I enjoyed an ice cream too! And forced myself to sit on a bench outside the cafe, where there were lots of people...I even went in some of the small tourist shops...even though I panicked in one cramped one...I made myself look at EVERYTHING before I allowed myself to leave! I wasn't going to leave because of the anxiety! I was going to leave because there was nothing there I wanted to buy!
Merlin and his mum Blondie - 1 day old
I got to the yard, and foal number 2 was there! His name is Merlin (if you look closely, the white to the left of his withers shows an 'M')...getting the yard...seeing a foal outside (months old), and a foal inside not even 24 hours old...and a 3rd foal, a few weeks old arrived today! It makes all that bad stuff...melt! To see life...right there before your eyes...unfolding, makes me warm, it makes me tingle with happiness....I am so glad I have horses in my life! I am so glad I have Smartie!

And even today! After work, I grabbed my bike and cycled 3miles to the yard where my horse is kept...rode an hour...and cycled 3 miles home...I feel great for it!!! I feel alive!
But inside, I still have the feeling that this is all short lived...that this is all for the summer...and after that - there is nothing...

How can I feel this good...and still not see myself living beyond a few months???

Friday, 4 May 2012

Bumblebees and Butterflies

Bumblebees and butterflies are of what poems should be,
But there is nothing beautiful living inside of me.
Darkness fills my heart, death fills my mind,
Hummingbirds and honeysuckle, to their beauty I am blind.

Breathtaking sunsets, crashing waves upon the shore
Drowning within the bleak ocean, on the rocks my body tore.
Shadows take over my vile corpse, fear feeds my empty soul
Hope shattered, memories scarred, all of my dreams he stole.

Sadness drains from my bleeding heart
Rage within, I tear my dreams apart.
Hate and fear is all that is left,
Barely a memory before the theft.

©Invisible Shadows 2012

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

The Song of the Wind

Sitting, hidden amongst the grass
I hear the wind sing the songs of lives past
Forever living along the breath of a breeze.
Childrens laughter played within the wind chimes;
Tales of love sung from the mountain tops.

Alone, safe upon the moor, I close my eyes
I dream the dreams of the gentle breeze.
It wipes away the tears tricking down my cheek,
Whispering ancient voices, knowing I am not alone.
Safe, and free, the endless beauties before me.

Arms outstretched the wind carries me afar
My life becoming a whisper
Carried softly through the trees.

©Invisible Shadows

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Drawing on Strength

I'm not in a very good place right now. I can't focus. I can't find energy, perhaps because the only way I can make it leave me alone is by not stopping. I can't make myself care. I'm making mistakes at work because I can't focus - and I don't care. I'm lost within my head most of the time. I feel so dead right now. Most of the time I feel empty...and when I come home I dive into the bottle of vodka to keep not feeling. I feel on the verge of down another glass! I can't cry! I cannot let myself cry!

But there is one thing I find the little bit of energy, and care horse...going to the yard gives me a bit of socialising...I feel happier there...almost a different person. I feel this weight lift off...there is not pretending; there's no false smile...It's a real smile...I watched my horse frisk about with springtime happiness, when he entered his 'summer field' for the first time, with his 3 other companions. I watched him greet an old friend that he shared a field with last summer but he hadn't seen all winter as he'd been in a different field. I watched them all eat grass, then go for a little charge grass...charge content with their happy with this new field...they have their boundaries, and yet they charge around as if there are no if they are wild and free!

During the early hours Sunday morning, a foal was born on the yard...and seeing her, on her wobbly legs for the first time, she couldn't have been more than 5 hours old...I could feel tears welling behind my eyes...I felt something beyond this infinite sadness. I felt hope...I felt sad...but I saw this beautiful miracle before my eyes...and I felt hope

And these dark times, when my walls are closing in...this space is getting smaller and smaller...I have horses to cling to! I have their wildness....their freedom...I have a bond with my loveable boy...I have hope!

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Had I But Wings Like Thine

Had I but wings like thine,
Free bird of flight,
To scale the heights that only wings can reach,
Or steer my passage o'er yon seas of light,
Whose cloudy beach
Is ever shifting like the sands of time!

Had I but wings like thine
To soar between
Those airy deeps and lower deeps more real,
Above the wrecks and ruins of the main,
The joy to feel
Of freedom on unfailing pinions mine!

Had I but wings like thine
To visit lands
Of ancient story and undimmed renown;
To roam and rest beside those glittering strands
That ages crown
With words and thoughts that lustrous gems outshine!
Had I but wings like thine!
In yonder skies,
Thy graceful form becomes a speck to view;
Had I but wings like thine I would arise,
A bird of passage too,
To pass beyond this narrow prison line!

Had I but wings like thine!
'Tis vain to long;
Ah! rather let me feel those hidden wings,
That to a higher, broader, flight belong;
Be mine a heart that ever soars and sings
Above the wrecks of wrong! 

By Martha Lavinia Hoffman

I wanted to write a poem, but can't seem to form the words...but I found this one, and is much more beautiful than I could have written! It echoes everything I want to write but can't find the words to say. Beautiful and vivid.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

I want to be free like you!

I don't really know where to start, so why not start with a Nickleback song I was singing along to in the car today

My best friend gave me the best advice  
He said each day's a gift and not a given right 
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind  
And try to take the path less traveled by  
That first step you take is always the longest stride 

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late 
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?  
Would you live each moment like your last 
Leave old pictures in the past? 
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day? 
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life 
What's worth the price is always worth the fight 
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try 
So live like you're never living twice 
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late 

Could you say goodbye to yesterday? 
Would you live each moment like your last? 
Leave old pictures in the past? 
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see? 

Reminisce old memories? 
Would you forgive your enemies? 
And would you find that one you're dreaming of? 
Swear up and down to God above 
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day? 

If today was your last day 
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart? 
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars 
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes 
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life 
Let nothing stand in your way 
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late 
Could you say goodbye to yesterday? 
Would you live each moment like your last? 
Leave old pictures in the past? 
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see? 

Reminisce old memories? 
Would you forgive your enemies? 
And would you find that one you're dreaming o
Swear up and down to God above 
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

Today has been a good day. I will admit that...thoughts are tangled as usual, and this may help unwind them a bit. 

I have given up counselling. I have also given up seeing my CPN. I do not think they are the routes to go. I don't know; I'm probably completely wrong, and not a good idea to go it alone. But I am tired of talking to people who pretend to understand; I am tired of depending on people who really aren't dependable. It's their job. They are not real supports.

I've had a really bad week! I triggered myself bad, and that feeling is still there; simmering beneath the skin! I also had a massive scare which tripped me into a bigger descent into blackness and shadows. There is no point going into it, as that moment is in the past. I still having bad feelings, but what happened, won't happen again! 

I have found a way to cope...don't stop...I don't know if this is a good or bad way to cope, but it's working for now. The evenings and my day offs are the worst times for memories and dark feeling. It's the silence; it all creeps back into my thoughts. Work days are starts off at the yard, then straight to work, then that is 7am till 6pm covered...and so evenings are filled with meaningless things to keep me active and occupied.  Day offs are now going to be jam packed full of things, as I have had a great day today...but the moment I walked through the door, I felt it all descend on me, I feel covered in it, I can feel the vileness starting to seep back in.

I went to the yard for 8:30am...had a 2 hour hack and got home for 1ish...then not even having lunch or sitting down I proceeded to hose down my horses summer rug, ready for him to wear by the end of this week...ran upstairs and changed into suitable attire; rammed my bike in my car...drove 45minutes along straight speedy roads whizzing along at 60mph, and super bendy, winding country roads to arrive at my destination - Lake V. I had a 13 mile bike ride, and I felt great! I have heard often that exercise releases Endorphines, and I will say it was nice to feel 'happiness' running through my veins, rather than the usual vileness. During the 45minute drive home, I sang along to numerous songs, I laughed and smiled at nothing, and I felt so so so alive!! I had not a single dark thought at all....until I worked through the door at 6:30pm and was greeted by my father with the usual smarky comment at something I've done wrong! I love my parents to bits! But some days it is so tiring to be told I am worthless, useless, that I was a 'mistake' (it's one thing to say it to yourself, than to have someone else confirm it!). It isn't my dads fault, he has his own issues and insecurities, I just wish I wasn't the target. I wish I could trust him with this secret, without worrying that it will become his next 'topic' of humilation or worthlessness; like my IBS...unfortunately that is a hot topic when guests are round, and so I tend to avoid the humiliation and pretend I have plans.

I have decided all day offs will be like today! Full of stuff! Full of 'active' activities! Full of peace, and inspiration! (which brings me on to the bird!). And come the summer nights, I can avoid home even more, by going to Lake V in the evenings after work, when there is still light.

I met this friendly little chappy halfway round the lake; I sat on one of the benches for a breather and a drink, and down flew this gentle, trusting chap. If I reached out my arm I would have been able to touch him! But the conservationist in me stops me in my tracks. The beauty of a wild animal is their freedom! No bars, no walls, no rules of society; bound only by their laws of nature which only they know the answers to! I sat for almost half an hour, watching this beautiful, wild, free creature...he was drawn to me through curiosity and hope of food (which I did leave for him on my departure)...and I was drawn to him because of what he was; what he represented. I envied this animal. I envied his beauty; his trusting personality; his freedom. I wanted to be this bird; to fly away; to soar high into the sky; to leave this world behind!

Sat in my room; with the walls closing in again; I have this small sense of calmness...knowing I have found a  way to make it all stop for atleast most of the day. One day I will be like this bird. I will stretch my wings and fly! I will soar above, and people will admire my beauty. I will be filled with peace.

I have found my place of peace...and I intend to go there at least once a week!

I intend to write a poem; but creativity is not here tonight...I am quite exhausted; which hopefully means the shadows will not steal my sleep tonight.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Insignificant Footsteps in the Sand

There is a whole world out there
Beyond my death filled eyes
Growing, twisting, flowering;
The insignificance of my touch
like a gentle breeze stroking Everest
Forever standing high above the clouds
Unmoving; forever changing; forever there,
Untouched by mans meager footsteps
Washed away in the sand.
The Ocean calls to the moon
Working together, both unwilling
to be conquered by the modern beasts;
Death comes to those reaching for the stars
Death comes to those controlling what cannot be tamed.
In harmony, the Earth still bumbles on
Destruction man can only dream of!

©Invisible Shadows 2012

Not really sure where this one came from! I read a beautiful poem by Nicole Rushin today, which made me want to write about the beauty of nature. That despite everything that happens in 'mans world', everything we do is insignificant, and is just a breeze on the Earth's is all inconsequential...all our destruction is nothing compared to what nature can do! We are insignificant. When we have 'detroyed' Earth so we are unable to survive, the Earth will still go on, it will adjust, it will survive.

I have just reminded myself of a truly amazing film! No words are uttered, so it is not for those with short attention spans. But it is truly inspiring and absolutely beautiful, and saddening! It shows the natural (and man made) beauties on this Earth; as well as the natural and man made destruction.
It is called Baraka, and I recommend it! 
Synopsis from Amazon:
" A visually stunning film shot over 13 months, in 24 countries; Baraka is an overwhelming experience that spans the geographical, cultural and social diversity of our changing planet. Set to an atmospheric sountrack inspired by various rituals and nature itself, the film captures the very essence of man's relationship with the earth, both harmonious and catastrophic. Baraka is a journey of rediscovery. It is the power, the beauty and the rage of life itself. It is the world we live in."